Is Marriage Overrated-A Single Man's Perspective
Columnist: Doyle Winn, Jr.


I'm a forty something year old single man, the single years have been interesting and full of non-stop action, but maybe its time to slow it down. Yeah I'm saying it maybe its time to think about a committed relationship involving the 'M' word (marriage)????????
                                


long sigh..................................................................................................................................................

To be truthful I've had this quiet conversation with myself many times over the last few years and having been married before it sends a chill down my spine, but you get lonely at times, and all your friends are married or getting married or at least in a committed relationship. Now you start having these daydreams of waking up next to that very exceptional woman with beautiful white teeth , who you visualize making you this great breakfast before you rush off to make the bacon.

Next I start to get excited about the idea and expressing it to myself more and more, man It could be great huh?? So I start to relate these great thoughts to my married friends and it usually ends up like this 'MAN ARE YOU FREAKING CRAZY, I WOULD GIVE MY RIGHT ARM TO BE IN YOUR POSITION"!!

 I've heard it all:

Examples:

  -You know I love my wife but if i ever get divorced Ill never marry again...

  -Man you know marriage is OK but its lots and lots of work...

  -Man you got it going on, if I could trade places with you....

 -If it wasn't for my faith in God, I would have been gone.....

 -I got 200k insurance on her i don't want her to die but if she does.......

  -I should have married her sister...

  I could go on and on but I'm sure you get my point. What would your spouse say to me concerning your marriage?

Thank God I have met some wonderful people who actually have positive things to say about their marriages usually these people don't really have to say anything they are usually happy and when you see them together you can tell their relationship is authentic and sincere.  So I model my hopes of marriage from the great examples of friends that through the storms of their marriage they remain faithful to their commitment to their wife as well as God. The day that I make my entrance down the aisle of holy matrimony it will be out of love, admiration and a deep seated ideal that marriage is 100/100 not 50/50!!

Why Buy The Cow When You Can Get The Milk For Free? The old adage why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free is so prevalent in the American society when cohabitation is the norm.Whatever the reasons, between 1970 and 1990, the number of couples living together outside of marriage quadrupled, from 523,000 to nearly 3 million. These couples face some of the same legal issues as married couples.

Why should one marry when the same privileges are granted a lover whether or not a formal commitment is made? Why commit if its not necessary? Women must take a stand and protect their future interests!!! Captivate your man with mystique and celebrate the person  YOU ARE!! If you must captivate him with sex, then what is your relationship based upon? Love yourself FIRST, and then you will have the capacity to LOVE him. Value who you are and place a high regard of not settling for the norm, but creating a life of NO REGRETS!!! Never put yourself in a situation where a man demands or requests, "GOT MILK"? As humans we place little value on things that we work little to nothing to obtain. Beyonce` says it best!!! If you like "IT", put a RING ON IT!

Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge.
(New American Standard Bible)

Oh yes, another one of “those” articles. Except I'm keeping it real~Share it and let’s get the convo really started. Here we go...

What makes a Woman independent? Ask 100 people and get 105 different answers. And even when there are so many positive representations of what an Independent woman could be, the negative connotations are still out there and with good reason. No one wants to hear about it at every moment. No man wants to hear how you don’t need him in your life. And this isn’t about dumbing down (hate that term) before someone thinks it is. It’s about being a Woman and allowing your actions to speak to who you really are. Just as Women we want the men in our life to ‘show’ us that they care and that they will do what they say they will; the same rings true for us.

“I don’t need a man”

Be honest with yourself; sure you do, unless you plan on being single until you leave this earth. The only reason we say this is because we don’t have a man at the time we’re saying it. There are so many problems with this statement aside from the fact that men don’t want to hear it and it’s a real turn off. It has the opposite effect you’re looking for and if you’re saying it to your girlfriends to appear on top of your ‘single game’, stop it.

The fact is we do need men in our lives, what we don’t want or need is the bull we put up with from the last few relationships we’ve had; it’s the heartbreaks and disappointments we can do without. We never want men to think we are weak or that we need them, even though we WANT the ability to need them. We have associated the word need with weakness and weakness means we’d be too vulnerable, too open. Isn’t that an oxymoron? When you say “I don’t need a man” it screams you do and badly. If you’d be honest with yourself and pull down that smokescreen from over your heart, it shows just how vulnerable you truly are.

If you’re in a difference place of your life’s journey where you’re focusing on just you—say that. People understand and will respect you that much more.

***

“I can pay my own bills”

Who cares? Women across the world have associated being independent with having a career, paying bills and having material things. Sure, having a successful career allows for more money and you may have more ‘financial freedoms’ than others but that doesn’t define who you are as a Woman (or does it?) That doesn’t make you independent.

Even when you’re broken, broke and/or bitter—somehow women find a way to attach themselves to the “Independent Woman” mantra even when it’s not true. Even when we’re on the brink of self destruction and life is spiraling out of control—we’ll continue to sing that same old song. The ability to ‘pay a bill’ is just one itsy bitsy piece of true Independent Womanhood. Stop telling men you can pay your own bills. He already knows that. Announcing it is unattractive and unnecessary. You don’t need to constantly validate yourself to make men know you can take care of yourself without them. When a man see’s you, meets you, and how you carry yourself he’ll know you have it together and can take care of yourself. He’ll see for himself where he can fit in, where he can contribute to your life.

Whether you loved or hated this article, I want to know about it! Let's talk, like grown ups!


Doyle says?????


April I agree with both of your responses to the tired wornout statements made by many women today; "I dont need a man", and "I can pay my own bills"....Defining need -A condition or situation in which something is required or wanted. Technically i dont need my second kidney, football, or a  job, but lets face it i like these thing and given a choice i think ill keep my kidney. Most women who are in a good relationship want to keep their men, and most women want to be in a good relationship so it goes without say ya'll need us men!!

"I can pay my own bills"- Hummmm where do i start? Im gonna go out on a limb and speak for all the men out there, " can you pay mine too, so your saying you dont need my child support?, I guess well be doing more dutch then." If a brotha wants to help you out in these tough economical times except it as a blessing if it were me I'd sit back and play it cool.  

 

 

Oh yes, another one of “those” articles. Except I'm keeping it real~Share it and let’s get the convo really started. Here we go...

What makes a Woman independent? Ask 100 people and get 105 different answers. And even when there are so many positive representations of what an Independent woman could be, the negative connotations are still out there and with good reason.  No one wants to hear about it at every moment. No man wants to hear how you don’t need him in your life. And this isn’t about dumbing down (hate that term) before someone thinks it is. It’s about being a Woman and allowing your actions to speak to who you really are. Just as Women we want the men in our life to ‘show’ us that they care and that they will do what they say they will; the same rings true for us.

 “I don’t need a man”

Be honest with yourself; sure you do, unless you plan on being single until you leave this earth. The only reason we say this is because we don’t have a man at the time we’re saying it. There are so many problems with this statement aside from the fact that men don’t want to hear it and it’s a real turn off. It has the opposite effect you’re looking for and if you’re saying it to your girlfriends to appear on top of your ‘single game’, stop it.

The fact is we do need men in our lives, what we don’t want or need is the bull we put up with from the last few relationships we’ve had; it’s the heartbreaks and disappointments we can do without. We never want men to think we are weak or that we need them, even though we WANT the ability to need them. We have associated the word need with weakness and weakness means we’d be too vulnerable, too open. Isn’t that an oxymoron? When you say “I don’t need a man” it screams you do and badly. If you’d be honest with yourself and pull down that smokescreen from over your heart, it shows just how vulnerable you truly are.  

If you’re in a difference place of your life’s journey where you’re focusing on just you—say that. People understand and will respect you that much more.

***

“I can pay my own bills”

Who cares? Women across the world have associated being independent with having a career, paying bills and having material things. Sure, having a successful career allows for more money and you may have more ‘financial freedoms’ than others but that doesn’t define who you are as a Woman (or does it?) That doesn’t make you independent.

Even when you’re broken, broke and/or bitter—somehow women find a way to attach themselves to the “Independent Woman” mantra even when it’s not true. Even when we’re on the brink of self destruction and life is spiraling out of control—we’ll continue to sing that same old song. The ability to ‘pay a bill’ is just one itsy bitsy piece of true Independent Womanhood. Stop telling men you can pay your own bills. He already knows that. Announcing it is unattractive and unnecessary. You don’t need to constantly validate yourself to make men know you can take care of yourself without them. When a man see’s you, meets you, and how you carry yourself he’ll know you have it together and can take care of yourself. He’ll see for himself where he can fit in, where he can contribute to your life.

Whether you loved or hated this article, I want to know about it! Let's talk, like grown ups!

Tall | Handsome | Financially Secure | Great in the Bedroom |Nice Smile | No Kids | No Drama | Six Figures | Has a Car| Makes me laugh| Considerate | Tips well | Has a good relationship with his mother | Wants more kids| Wants to be married ……

And we can go on and on with that non-sense. Let’s vow not to make another “what I want in a man” list from here on out. They are meaningless. If we followed them we’d all be happily married and living the so-called American Dream before we hit 27. Not divorced by 30 and still single at forty five?   

The truth is that – the list sounds good but how many men have you dated that fit what you said you wanted? And why aren’t you with them today? Exactly. It doesn’t work like that. The truth is its not about these so called Standards, Lists or Expectations. It’s about us, as women and how we truly feel about ourselves…and what we believe we actually deserve. If women truly believed they deserved the things on their list, there’d be little issues in the dating world. And more and more women would actually stick to the list they made in the first place - not wasting time with Mr. Wrong and Mr. Wrong Again.

Standards don’t fall out of the sky. They are born then perfected over time through your dating experiences. Date after date, man after man- you begin to see what you will and won’t except from a man. It’s a learning experiment that will never end because you are (hopefully) constantly evolving therefore so are your expectations. With each relationship hopefully you have taken something from it and grown ~ becoming more aware of who you really are and what really makes you happy in a relationship.

Dating your Self Esteem

If you think about it, Women date based on their self esteem. The better you feel about yourself- the more likely you are to uphold the standards you set. And the same is true for the opposite- women who don’t’ have high self esteem, or low to no self worth will latch on to any man who will show them the least bit of attention. And this is isn’t about Success- there are plenty of women that are successful with low self esteem and it shows in the men they attach themselves too.

This is the same reason why you or someone you know right now continues to get involved into relationships with abusive men, mama’s boys, or Mr. No Good’s. It’s like it’s in our DNA ~ we’re attracting this type of men.

It’s all about YOU

If having a long term committed relationship or marriage is what you truly want- get yourself together. It’s about you, not meeting a man. As we can see, focusing on a man doesn’t quite work. We’ve gone down that road in the past- let’s try something different.

Get yourself together on every level you’d ever hoped for. Excel in every way physically, emotionally and in other ways that are important to you. Your new attitude will speak volumes to what you truly believe you deserve and it will be evident when you walk in a room. There will be no mistake as to what your standards are. You won’t have to speak it, write it down or profess to be anything more than what you are.

The Single life should be filled with exciting memorable experiences; not emotionally challenging ones. Have you ever thought you were the borderline desperate chick?  Do you know when a man is not into you? Is your single life taking a wrong turn?  Have you regretted things you’ve done after you’ve done them?

Here’s my Top 5 “Never Do’s” as a single woman in the dating

#1 Phone Stalking

DO NOT phone stalk a man…Meaning, repeatedly calling a man more than twice a day. Please realize when he failed to return your call or texts he’s giving you clue!! Please HEED!!! Because chances are his phone isn’t broken, lost or left in his friend’s car. There’s two reasons this action is occurring either he is either busy or doesn’t want to talk to you, or he saw your name and sent you to voice mail and ignoring your text messages. It's really that simple.  

#2 No one Drive-byes

Don’t drive by a man’s house to see if he’s there because he didn’t call you or show up for a date. Unless you’re a member of the secret service and your dating the President, do not do the infamous drive by. If he didn’t call you after your date or any other occasion, he doesn’t think you’re that important. Don’t stalk him- there’s no turning back from that. He’ll just tell all his friends you’re the "stalker chick". 

#3 You’re NOT in Love

You don’t even know him, but you love him and it's only been a week or two. You just met this man and don’t know much about him. But you’re in love because he’s showing you the slightest bit of attention. Men have intuition and can sense desperation from a mile away. Check your feelings and make sure it's not the attention you love.

Sidebar: Beware of men who seem too good to be true, he might be a control freak, crazy, or married.

 #4 Say what you mean, not what you meant

Don’t say you just want to be “friends w/benefits” when that’s not what you really want because you’re trying to play it safe. Once you put yourself in that category there’s no turning back!! He will not take you seriously if you decide to 'change your mind' later. He’ll take the “BENEFITS” and continue to look for women who want something more. Rarely do ‘friends w/ benefits’ get any benefits besides sex and maybe a meal.

You’ll be playing your own self with this lie. If you want him to be your man, tell him. If he doesn’t see himself going ‘there’ with you- keep it moving. And if you’re okay with being the ‘side-chick’ hoping he changes his mind—good luck with that.

 #5 Buying him gifts

Unless he’s a male whore, men have a raised brow at women who buy them gifts right out of the gate. If you are the type of woman who buys gifts for men who have shown little interest, you might be a little desperate. Men know and expect to do a little “work” to show you he's seriously interested. You should be asking yourself, why do I feel the need to buy gifts? Don’t you have so much more to offer besides, gift giving it gets old.

This isn’t to say women shouldn’t do things like pick up the tab and buy the occasional gift for a deserving man, BUT not before he is into you!

***BONUS: Expecting too much too soon***

You want that person to commit or do things that fall into the “boyfriend / girlfriend” category when he/she hasn’t shown an interest in being exclusive with you.  If this person hasn’t told you or is showing you signs that it’s all about you—then it’s not.

If you are with someone who is questioning your importance or role in their life – then they have not chosen you. And that's okay- just move on. Free yourself for “The One!” Single life should be fun. Don’t make is stressful by dealing with someone who isn’t into you.

HOW TO TELL IF YOU’RE NOT “THE ONE”
(FOR THE LADIES)

1.      If he doesn’t want to meet your parents or your children…you’re probably not the one.

2.      If he doesn’t kiss you on the lips you’re probably not the one.

3.      If he has friends you’ve heard about constantly but you’ve never seen, you’re probably not the one.

4.      If you haven’t met his mother within 6months of dating, you’re probably not the one.

5.      If you can’t go to his home without calling prior you may not be the one, not always the case though!! 

6.      If your conversations are shorter than 10 minutes and usually end with "hey can i come through" you’re probably not the one.

7.      If you've never attended a large social event (concert, play) together you may not be the one.

8.      If he has problems defining your relationship status you may not be the one.

9.      If your gifts come from the dollar store you just may not be the one.

10.  If he calls you every other week you’re probably not the one.


HOW TO TELL IF SHE’S NOT INTERESTED
(FOR THE FELLAS)

1.      If you call her numerous times in one day and never seem to get an answer, and when you finally talk to her, she always say, “My phone died”, “My battery was dead, and I couldn’t see your phone call.” She’s not interested.

2.      If you constantly ask her to go out on a date or just hang out in general, and she always seem to be busy. She’s probably not interested.

3.      If you’ve ever asked her to be with you, and she replied, “You’re like a brother to me, or I don’t want to mess up our friendship.” Guess what, she’s playing the friend card! Stay friends…She’s not interested.

4.      You’ve been dating her a while and continuously offer to pick her up at her home for dates, and she insists on meeting at the location each time…She’s probably not interested.

5.      If the phone conversations are brief, and closed ended 85% of the time…she’s not interested.

6.      When you have to initiate all contact. She is not interested.

7.      If you initiate a kiss after several dates and she turns her head for you to kiss her on the cheek and she says, “I just had dental work done!”…She’s not interested.

8.      If you see her close friends in public and they cannot remember your name or fail to realize who you are…you’re not being talked about to friends. She’s not interested.

9.      If you’ve ever been accidentally called another man’s name. She’s really not into you!

10.   If the only time you receive any contact from her is when it’s your payday, or when her bills are due…She’s not interested!

Empowered Magazine wants to know, DID WE MISS ANY?


Written by:
Doyle Winn, Jr.
Shren Sylvester
Lisa Baldwin

What is your idea of marriage? When I think of marriage I think of my grandparents; my grandfather was the lord of his house, and my grandmother his obedient partner....In today’s culture that is an ideal. The reality is that in today’s society marriage is misconceived notion of independence. What has really changed in modern marriages? The role of women!!! Yes I said it! Let’s face it women have moved outside of their traditional roles of home caregiver/ cleaner/cook etc. Into a much more powerful position (equal partner), and I believe NOW there’s no going back! Now to be fair to the working ladies making the bacon just like her spouse it is more difficult to tell her how to fry it!! And if she’s paying half the mortgage, pushing the Mercedes in the driveway with her name on the pink slip and coordinating a business meeting on her I-phone, how are you going to demand her to make you a ham sandwich? No!!! It is my opinion that the days of taking a wife are far gone, now you join into a contractual-relationship.

 In a lot of marriages many women, especially women of color are keeping their maiden names in conjunction with their married name and in some cases some men are taking their spouses last name!! Wow is nothing sacred? I mean that’s really letting you know what this business of marriage is really about today. Whoever brings the most to the table is the dominant partner. I also hear a lot of women asking the question "Why do I even need a man"? OR "What can a man do for me that I can’t do for myself"? And here lies the problems, what can men do for today’s women?  In most cases very little I hear you saying there’s one thing they need us for, but the song B.O.B. can cause you to even rethink that!! But, the question is marriage dead still remains? I will venture to say that the marriage of yesterday is dead and buried. The institution of marriage has become a business merger between two parties, each having their own rights and wills.

In closing I want to leave hope for us singles and soon to be single again, I think the modern marriage can work. I just think we have to look at it honestly for what it really is. Men we must move over into our traditional role of husband and become partners and lovers with our wives. We have to love and adorn them as our queen.  And women remember it is in our DNA to lead, so be gentle with our egos, we need this. Marriage is not dead, it is just different.  

-Doyle Winn Jr.